More than lost. Thoughts without structure.

It was only 1 week ago.  I am still angry and scared.  I am tired (which is normal). 

My normal crazy day, Friday.  My middle entitled sister's birthday.  Another day without my child.  A long work day.  This same sister who had been in surgery 2 days before.  My same child who had a medical emergency 2 days before.  My family who had still not heard from any cousins or family members in Puerto Rico following Hurricane Maria.  Two weeks prior, I had complained to my doctor that I had felt weak.  No clue how telling that was and how I should have paid closer attention.

I am in the office just finishing lunch.  I wander into the office kitchen and next thing I know, I am in the back of an ambulance - on the way to the emergency room.

I blacked out.  According to colleagues, suffered a grand mal seizure.  Breathing but unconscious for over 25 minutes.  A week later, the hematoma on my head still a pretty good reminder that my 200 lb self hit the ground rather hard.

In the ambulance hearing the explanation.   Arriving at the hospital wanting to call my boyfriend.   Reaching him to let him know what happened.  My colleague arriving, explaining to me what happened.  Telling me she was able to reach my youngest sister and she was on her way to the hospital.  My sister finally arrives, just in time for me to get some lovely CT scans and additional testing.  Letting me know she reached my parents.  More tests.  They want to keep me overnight.

More questions.  Trying to piece together what happened.  How it happened.  I was taking a new antibiotic, but only 1 dose.  Pretty sure that couldn't be it.  I was exhausted.  Like 5 hours sleep in 2 days.  I had 2 cups of coffee.   My blood levels were so low, doctors double-checked results.  I was dehydrated.

My boyfriend stops by for a couple of hours and then heads home.  No one else comes to visit.

I shoulder the burden for my household.  I'm behind on all the bills.  Terrified that I should have been on my way to pick up my son at my parents.  This could have all happened in the car with a very different result.

I don't sleep in the hospital.  More tests all night.  More blood work. Lucky to get released midday next day.

I call my parents to let them know I'm released, and my mother berates me for 20 minutes.  Seriously?  She is angry that she wasn't called first.  She is actually mistaken but guess that doesn't matter.  Oh and they still took my middle sister out for her birthday dinner last night.  So what my youngest sister and I have known for a lifetime has been proven - she is the favorite, even in an emergency.  It could have been the last time they had seen me.  Or the last opportunity for me to see my child.  Since we had no clue what made me pass out or if it would happen again. 

As grateful as I am that my little sister (and niece) came to the hospital, I am angry that a birthday dinner was more important than my being in the hospital.

This same middle sister attempted suicide a few years back.  I lived in a different state and just hopped on a plane, no thought.  No one had to tell me to be here.  My parents never even knew I was coming until I was already parking the rental car asking for the room number at the hospital.

So many friends don't have their moms, mine is here and couldn't be bothered to show up at the hospital.

I just want to run away and take my son someplace.  I don't even get to see him that much during the week.  I feel like such a failure as a parent.  Now I'm feeling like a failure as a daughter.

I am literally killing myself working too hard, trying to do it all.  Wondering if it's even worth it. 

Right now thinking of quitting everything, being homeless.  Wondering if I could get enough unemployment or assistance to at least keep up a car payment.

#Mommitment

Most days I feel like I am screwing it all up. My dear friend Serendipity posted earlier about mom friends and it made me sad to remember that I honestly don't have anyone close by.  Everyone that I want to hug or need a hug from is thousands of miles away.

I try to live by the "no one does it wrong, just differently" mantra - but I find that I do compare myself and wish that I could be a "real" mom to my son.   That is so hard to say out loud. Commuting nearly 7.5 hours a day plus a 10-12 hour workday, leaves very little time for the snuggles, the playing, the book reading.  My little guy is two and I have never been down the slide with him or splashed in a puddle - all things my own mom has done with him.

My joining this #Mommitment movement was pretty selfish.  It was to help myself overcome my feelings of being inadequate.  To celebrate other mothers.  In their celebration, in their worth somehow to validate my own.

I Am Not Beautiful

So scrolling through Facebook - I see this link to this Dove commercial. I hit play, and I start to cry when watching the video.

http://dovechoosebeautiful.tumblr.com/?utm_medium=social&utm_source=YouTube_DoveUnitedStates&utm_campaign=Choose%20Beautiful%20_CN000242&utm_term=None&utm_content=x_x_LV4_CH2215_CH2215_Dove_US

I normally describe myself as short, fat and ugly.  People get so annoyed with me when I do - but it is how I feel.  I am not beautiful, I am not smart.  I've just been lucky in some respects (mainly with my job).

This campaign asks one to choose between "Average" and "Beautiful".   I would say that I'm below average.

There was a time at the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York City when I was riding down an escalator opposite one going up.  A few kids started to "moo" - it took me a few seconds to realize they were "moo-ing" at me.  I wanted to run and to hide.  To think I was ONLY a size 12 at the time and I thought I was huge and hideous.  (Now at a size 20, how I would give to be that 12 again.)

The First Six Months

September 21, 2014

Where to begin?  I wanted to take some time to put down on "paper" my experiences as a first time older mother, to somehow capture the first six months so that I could look back upon it later.

Everyone tells you that being a parent is hard. That the first weeks (months) are the hardest.

Could I have ever imagined how hard, no!

First off - 40 is not the new 20 (or 30) its FORTY and well, if you are plain out of shape it is seriously tough to carry around a car seat!  Oh, what is a few pounds.. P-L-E-N-T-Y.

So yes, the baby ONLY weighs a few pounds... but the car seat empty weighs nearly 20. Right off, this is a losing battle.  I can't lift up two cans of beans - how on earth did I think I was going to lift up 20 lbs?

Thankfully, I gave birth to a little peanut - who, now at six months is not quite 16 lbs. Gulps, so nearly 40 lbs to lift.  My lazy self keeps the stroller in the the car JUST for this reason.  Put the car seat on the stroller and presto... wheel the kiddo!

Ok, so now that I have this workaround for carrying the little one around - can someone ANYONE tell me how on earth to sleep (and do laundry and clean the house and just even catch up with my friends on the phone)??

I had a list of things I'd NEVER do - one of which was to not let my baby watch TV.  Do you know how quickly that lasted??  When my then 3 month old got "attached" to some cartoon about dinosaurs, I knew I had failed that one.

My 4 month failure - allowing said little peanut to fall asleep with the bottle. (Still haven't had the heart to separate them even now at 6 months.)

My only major non-failure (won't dare call it a success), would be that he is not addicted (YET) to a pacifier.  He actually doesn't use it, I never wanted him to and I'm liking his not being attached to it (for now).

So went for that 6 month check up and the little guy can have water...great.. NOT.  He doesn't like it, looks up at me like "Mommie, what is this - you do know it's the wrong color?" As if I don't know that his formula bottle looks different.

My lifesavers so far (DRUM ROLL):

1) My family support (which for the record I was sure I wasn't going to need)

2) The BOPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY - Who on earth would have thought some half moon pillow thingy would be such a lifesaver!

3) The BabaBuddy - If you haven't heard of this thing GOOGLE it!  Once I discovered it, I was finally able to take a bathroom break.

4) Fisher Price Snuggabunny (or snugga anything really) - When little peanut refused to sleep in the crib and the bassinet, this lifesaver made life bearable.

5) Portable baby monitor - this one is a no brainer.  Love being able to not totally panic and grab it to take that potty break I was holding entirely too long!

6) Zulily.com - Ok, ok .. so this shouldn't be on this list.  BUT, there aren't that many cute little boys clothing sites and I really didn't want peanut looking like everyone else. This site offers discounted stuff that is really different.

7) BabyBuddy Secure-A-Toy Straps - Goodness, if you've ever been driving and hear the unmistakable sound of a toy falling between the car seat and the door, knowing at 70 miles an hour there is no way to retrieve it.  This simple strap keeps the toy securely attached to the car seat.

I have an insanely crazy schedule.  My friends wonder why I can't just pick up the phone every once in a while.  Look if everyone were up at 1:30am then SURE, I'd be able to chat.  I do miss my friends but sleep (THE EVER ELUSIVE SLEEP) is so much more important to me. 

A peek at 24 hours of my life would go something like this:

1:30am  ~ peanut wakes up

2:15am  ~ peanut finally back asleep so I attempt to put my head down

3:30am ~ alarm goes off, I glare at it then waddle off into the bathroom hoping that water will make me wake up

4am ~ if peanut hasn't already made noise, go wake up the sleeping cutie pie

4:15am ~ get the bottle into his mouth (simultaneously, make an extra bottle and put the diaper bag and my belongings into car while he gulps down what must be the ONLY bottle he's ever eaten)

4:25am ~ burp and move back into bedroom for the lovely morning diaper change and the fight into his clothing (he hates sleeves)

4:35am ~ strapped into car seat and on the move

4:40am ~ hopefully we are in the car and likely stopping at gas station

4:48am ~ pumping gas, playing peek-a-boo with the blanket and wrapping his legs back up since he has kicked it off in the past 8 minutes.

4:52am ~ back on the road.  First stop, Grandma's house (70 minutes away)

6:05am ~ fingers crossed, Grandma's house.  Pull hopefully asleep small creature out of car seat and into crib without waking him up.  Chat with Mom to tell her about his night, last bottle, diaper and then back on the road again

7:30am ~ hopefully at work (unless the notoriously bad Miami traffic gods have shined down)

5:30pm ~ leave work (if I'm lucky I leave this early, most times NOT), this is the yucky part of the day.  Traffic gods are never nice.  What should take 40 minutes will normally take 2-2.5 hours at this point.

7:30pm ~ Calling Mom to say I'm 10 minutes away. Finally get to see peanut again.  If he's cranky pants, time to feed otherwise whisk him into the car seat with a full bottle on his lap and head home.

9:00pm ~ Arrive home with a sleeping peanut (unless he's not a happy camper and has decided to cry the whole ride home).  If he's awake, change diaper and perhaps into pajamas and give bottle and wait 20 minutes and put him in the crib

9:40pm ~ Attempt to shove something edible into my mouth

10pm ~ Stare at the baby monitor and hope he stays asleep long enough for me to wash some bottles and attempt sleep

Then well - it's groundhog day folks in my fairyland world and I get to do it all over again!

Now folks, you'd think I'd be complaining - not really.  Yes, I'm darned tired.  On top of that little glimpse... my son has medical needs that I can't financially meet.  I cannot afford groceries most days and there are some days I wake up and I don't even know how I am going to get to work.  I basically work for gas money.  So the upside is I'm losing weight - not eating will do that for you.

I waited a lifetime for my sweet little gift from the heavens and just one look into his sweet little face and well, I'd do it all over again.